I recently listened to a call on The Ramsey Show that struck a chord with me. A 56-year-old woman named Christie called in asking about protecting her assets from a potential common law marriage situation with her boyfriend of 10 years. What followed was classic Dave Ramsey – direct, sometimes uncomfortable truth that exposed what was really happening beneath the surface.
Christie and her boyfriend live in different cities, two hours apart, and only see each other on weekends. They’ve never truly lived together (except for “a couple weeks” here and there), yet she’s concerned about common law marriage implications as they consider moving in together. But the real issue emerged later: she’s financially secure while he isn’t, and that’s a “huge deterrent” to formalizing their relationship.
I think Dave and his co-host Rachel Cruze were right to question what’s really going on here. This isn’t just about legal protection of assets – it’s about commitment, values alignment, and what marriage truly means.
The Half-Commitment Problem
What struck me most was how this relationship exists in a strange middle ground. They’re together but separate, committed but not fully. As Dave pointed out, this arrangement resembles “adult conjugal visits” more than a marriage-bound relationship. While that comment might seem harsh, it highlights an important truth: relationships thrive on proximity and shared daily life.
When Christie was asked why they weren’t married, her response was telling: “We’re older… we didn’t see a reason to.” This rationalization suggests comfort with the status quo rather than a desire for deeper commitment. As Dave noted, at 56, she could potentially have another 30-35 years of marriage ahead – plenty of time for a meaningful partnership.
If you love this guy so much… you couldn’t stand to be away from him.
I believe Dave was right to be skeptical. When you truly want to build a life with someone, living two hours apart for a decade with only weekend visits doesn’t align with that desire. There’s nothing wrong with independence, but marriage is about intertwining lives “for better or worse.”
Financial Compatibility Matters
The real issue emerged toward the end of the call: Christie is financially secure while her boyfriend isn’t. This financial incompatibility is clearly a major concern for her, and rightfully so. Money disagreements are among the top reasons relationships fail.
Dave and Rachel’s advice was spot-on:
- Don’t move in together or marry until you’re on the same financial page
- Keep assets separate if you’re not fully committed
- Recognize that financial values alignment is crucial for relationship success
Financial compatibility isn’t just about how much money each person has – it’s about shared values, goals, and approaches to money management. When one partner is “secure in assets” and the other isn’t, this often points to fundamental differences in financial habits and priorities.
The Case for Full Commitment
What I appreciate about Dave’s approach is his unwavering belief in the value of marriage as a full commitment. While he made it clear he wasn’t judging Christie’s choices (“You do what you want with your life. I’m a libertarian on that deal”), he also didn’t shy away from challenging her thinking.
The statistics do support Dave’s position – married couples generally experience better financial outcomes, greater happiness, and better health than those in less formal arrangements. There’s something powerful about making that full commitment.
But I also agree with his caution: if you don’t love someone enough to fully commit, living together won’t fix that fundamental issue. Christie’s hesitation speaks volumes about her true feelings regarding this relationship.
The Path Forward
For anyone in a similar situation, I believe the advice is clear:
- Be honest about what you truly want from the relationship
- Don’t compromise on financial compatibility
- If you can’t imagine fully combining your lives, that’s a red flag
- Keep finances separate until you’re ready for full commitment
Relationships require more than just weekend visits and separate lives. They thrive on shared values, daily interactions, and mutual growth. Financial security is important, but so is finding a partner who shares your approach to money.
In Christie’s case, I think Dave’s blunt assessment was exactly what she needed to hear. Sometimes we need someone to cut through our rationalizations and point out what we already know deep down. Her relationship isn’t working at the level she wants, and moving in together won’t fix the underlying issues.
The most telling moment came when Dave said, “I don’t see enough evidence that you really want to commit to this guy.” Christie didn’t disagree. Sometimes silence speaks volumes about what we truly want – or don’t want – in our relationships.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What constitutes a common law marriage?
Common law marriage requirements vary by state. In Montana (where the caller was from), it requires parties to be competent to marry, mutually agree to the marital relationship, and cohabit. There’s no specific time requirement, but it generally involves living together as a couple for an extended period, not just occasional stays.
Q: Should couples with different financial standings keep their money separate?
If couples aren’t fully committed through marriage or don’t share financial values, keeping money separate is often wise. However, for married couples, Dave Ramsey typically recommends combining finances to work as a team. The key is ensuring both partners are aligned on financial goals and management styles before combining resources.
Q: How important is financial compatibility in a relationship?
Financial compatibility is extremely important. Different approaches to money management often indicate different core values. While partners don’t need identical financial situations, they should share similar attitudes toward saving, spending, debt, and financial goals. Money disagreements are among the leading causes of relationship stress and divorce.
Q: At what age is it “too late” to get married?
It’s never too late to get married if you truly want to commit to someone. As Dave pointed out to the 56-year-old caller, she could potentially have another 30-35 years with a partner. Age shouldn’t be the determining factor in whether to formalize a relationship – the desire for genuine commitment and shared values should be the deciding factors.
