Though death is an inevitable part of life, most people rationalize it, believing that their close ones’ time will come with age or illness. When this tragic moment happens unexpectedly, ending one’s journey far too soon, friends and family send their condolences to parents, spouses, or children, supporting them by fostering a safe space for grief. In this new reality, tainted by a layer of gloom that a heavy heart has to break through to rediscover happiness, siblings are the forgotten mourners, their pain often considered secondary to that of parents or the deceased’s family.
In the US and Europe, 80% of children grow up with siblings, forging profound bonds built on unconditional love and a shared sense of identity. The last 25 years made more than 620,000 Americans suicide Sibling Survivors™, with hundreds of thousands more losing a brother or a sister due to accidents, assaults, homicide, and more. These relationships are the longest friendships in almost every sibling’s life, playing an integral part in defining family dynamics and shaping one’s values and personality.
The void that their death leaves is eternal, and though everyone moves forward, no family gathering or celebration will ever be the same, forever serving as a reminder of those who should but can’t be there. Life ‘after’ goes on, with siblings globally often expected to turn into the support systems of others while dealing with their unacknowledged grief. When Alexander ‘Zander’ Sprague lost his sister, he experienced these lingering feelings of quiet sorrow firsthand, never wanting to deepen his parents’ burden. 28 years later, he is an award-winning public speaker, LPCC, and author dedicated to spreading sibling loss awareness and helping families reconnect when they need it the most.
One of very few thought leaders focusing on sibling loss, Zander’s motivation is deeply personal, rooted in adversity that blossomed into a dedication to spreading love through and for his sister Lucy. It all started on December 9th, 1996. On a seemingly average day, his older sister, a second-year law student at the University of Illinois Chicago School of Law (known as the John Marshall Law School at the time), was startled by a maintenance worker who let himself into her apartment. Caught trying to commit petty theft, he strangled Lucy, later breaking his ankle after jumping out of the window to the 2nd-floor roof where he was arrested soon after.
Alexander ‘Zander’ Sprague
A former convict, Lucy’s killer hanged himself in the Cook County Prison 10 days later, saving her family from what would have been an exhaustingly public trial, especially with her dad’s role as District Court Judge in Massachusetts at the time. “There comes a time when losing a sibling becomes more acceptable. Maybe when you’re 75, maybe when you’re 80, or maybe when they get sick. It doesn’t make it easier, but we know it might happen,” shares Zander. “But I certainly didn’t expect to lose my sister when I was 28. I knew I would have to deal with a lot in life, but I never thought murder would be one of them.”
While navigating the turbulent seas of grief, Zander realized the chasm in society’s awareness, embarking on a mission to bridge these gaps and alleviate the inherent agony of loss. One day, after meeting a friend who had lost her brother, Zander’s commitment was reinforced. “Before coming to meet me, she went to a bookstore. She told me how she saw so many books on parent loss, child loss, and even pet loss, but there was nothing about losing a sibling,” reminisces Zander. “When I left, I thought to myself, ‘Why don’t I fill that void?’”
A talker, not a writer, Zander reluctantly started the process, frequently hindered by limiting beliefs and the memory of his school teachers’ not-so-positive feedback on his writing skills. For nearly five years, he was ‘trying’ to write, never really committing. Tired of his own lack of action, he finally finished Making Lemonade: Choosing A Positive Pathway After Losing Your Sibling, and put it out in public. To his surprise, readers loved it, expressing how much it helped them understand the unique challenges of sibling loss.
To reach every heavy heart in need of guidance, Zander started the EPIC Begins with 1 Step Forward podcast, an eponymous YouTube channel, and authored two more books – EPIC Begins With 1 Step Forward: How to Plan, Achieve and Enjoy The Journey and Why Don’t They Cry?: Understanding Your Living Child’s Grief. A keynote speaker, grief coach, and conference presenter, Zander harnesses each opportunity and his every endeavor to spread positivity, ignite happiness, and illuminate the path to light.
Alongside his family, Zander is also leading The Charisma Fund; a venture sparked by a settlement with Lucy’s building dedicated to celebrating her legacy. There are numerous ways in which this has been achieved, one being that of a scholarship for a graduating attorney going into public service. To further propel his mission, Zander offers grief counseling to businesses wanting to better support their staff members in times of despair, encouraging the implementation of human-centric strategies that, ultimately, increase employee satisfaction, productivity, and morale.
“Amplifying the voices of grieving siblings is so important. As forgotten mourners, we experience the unbearable pain of not only loss but also being unacknowledged,” stresses Zander. “The amazing thing is, I could be in an auditorium with hundreds of random people, and so many of them would be Sibling Survivors™. We’re everywhere and nowhere at the same time. There is no secret ‘sibling survivor’ sign, and so many of us feel alone in our feelings. I missed out on the support that I needed, feeling incredibly isolated. I don’t want any more sibling survivors to go through the same thing. There is support available, and there are people who truly understand. Every day, I choose between grieving in silence or talking about Lucy. The power of feeling acknowledged is transformational, and that’s why I choose the second path. Instead of sheer sadness, I celebrate my sister and her memory, spreading positivity through and for her.”
